I don`t write much. Many people say that I have the looks and brains to make a lot of friends and connections, but it seems I am not just the type... I feel silent most of the time in front of people. And only in fear that they won`t accept me as I am I start to talk. I talk a lot in need of understanding.

I won very prestige photo contest here in Japan, my work was bought by Photo Museum. But the works they picked up - works that I shot few years ago. I look at them and wonder... those are the pictures that for some reason everybody missed, even me - I didn`t felt anything in them until the letter from museum with prices that they give for my pictures arrived. What do people actually see in photography? What do they actually expect from me. No. What do I expect from my photography. What do I see...

Now when I proved to myself something I realized I don`t know where to go. Should I continue shooting cute japanese girls, that I love a lot, or should I let the girls alone and start following monks, birds and people on the streets? I can`t do both... not in a moment when I have to move fast, when I have to work, work, work... in a place like Tokyo you have only few days to be by yourself. Cause after that - everybody will forget about your existence. So you always have to prove... to prove something.

First I struggled to enter japanese society so that they would accept me. My japanese at some level became better than my english and sometimes I express myself better in japanese than in russian. Than I struggled to made a movie in japanese for japanese people - and I did one. It will be showing this month just for few days. Not bad for a start, some do worth. Than woman, then photography, than fashion, than this and that. Now I got a permission to stay here for much more longer time. And I realized I don`t know where to go from now on...

I was looking at Daido Moriyama pictures recently a lot. I bet his pictures won`t be famous on deviant, ahaha. Daido shoot air, smells, moods... things that you don`t see on retouched picture. Things that you can only see with your heart.

I strongly start to fall in love with "bad" pictures of people, who got camera in their hand. How sincere... I wonder, where my sincerity went...